I'm so sorry I'm just reading this now. I had kinda of given up on writing for a bit. During the pandemic I began making collages and handmade paper and binding books. My heart goes out to you. I hope your mediation went well. I still have the file on my computer, labeled plan B. I couldn't imagine how or where I would live, as you put it.. It was a pain worse than death, so I wanted to die. I hope you have survived and things are better.